no, not Donatello's arch-enemy
I've never had a shredder before. I have always wanted one. Always. Like, when I was a little kid, I used to ask for filing cabinets, hiliters, and legal pads for my birthday (which is coming up soon, by the bye). I got all those things, but I never got a paper shredder. I guess they were considered foolish, or impractical. So. Today I bought one.
That's right. After moving to the Big Apple, with no job and none in sight, why shouldn't I spend my very important cash that I don't have on an impractical office supply for an office I don't have? I could find no reason. So I trekked the 15 or so blocks to Staples, which, on the way there, was a really pleasant walk. I actually said sotto voce to myself, "What a really pleasant walk." In the store, I worried about the weight of the shredder, coupled with the 100 9x12 clasp envelopes and ream of pastel blue paper, that would make the 15 block walk home less pleasant. But, I decided it couldn't be that bad, and bought all three items.
Four blocks into the walk, I was done. My arms hurt, my shoulders were tight, my neck was strained, my armpits were sweating. Ugh. It was a real mess you could say. Of course, there was nothing to do at this point except hike up my dungarees and finish wading across the river -- which, metaphorically of course, I did.
I think what I'm looking for is a brilliant close to this story. You know, something like, "And then, the shredder came alive, picked me up and carried me the rest of the way home in a nifty role-reversal." Or, perhaps: "Upon getting home and opening the box, I found the shredder had actually shredded itself because of all the shifting and bumping along the walk home. There was nothing left but a pile of 5/32 x 1 inch pieces of cross-cut pieces of its former self."
Unfortunately, I don't have a brilliant close. I just came home, set it up and shredded the chinese take-out menus that were in the mailbox.
7 comments:
I actually said sotto voce to myself, "What a really pleasant walk."
I can SO picture you doing that.
Also, I find myself overcome by shredder-envy. I never knew I wanted one so bad until you pointed out that I could, in fact, just BUY one and shred all sorts of things. My Important Document destruction process is a little weak.
1. Fold a few papers in half and duct-tape up the sides, thus creating a 5.5" x 8.5" pouch.
2. Stuff all important papers, credit card offers, and indecent photos in pouch.
3. When pouch is full, seal up with duct tape with intent to burn said pouch at earliest convenience.
4. Lose pouch.
5. Go back to 1.
I used to take these home with me to burn them in the back yard (not a lot of fire pits on a college campus, as it turns out). Now that I've graduated and moved, I only go home a couple times a year and totally forget about it until I have more Important Documents that need destroying. There's probably a half-dozen duct-taped bundles of paper floating around my apartment.
Maybe I'll swing by Staples this weekend...
This is your best post yet.
Brock! Amazing. I had forgotten I used to create the same sort of duct-taped bundles. Of course, should I mention they can of course be opened and the contents read? (Unless we all remember to burn them... which reminds me of TRASH BASH.)
Also, I forgot to mention, I bought the shredder because my landladies peep through our garbage.
I'm well aware that people could open my bundles - that's why they're strategically hidden in places I don't remember! I really only duct-tape them up to make sure I don't lose any of it before the ritualistic sacrifice.
There's a lot of interesting ritual being described here.
And when i say interesting, I mean; disturbing.
Duct-taped bundles...
WTfMf?
Although, Beedow, this is probably a good discipline to get into, this shredding deal, considering you hope to be a phenomenally successful and therefore famous entertainment celebrity.
Peeping landladies in your trash NOW?: the tip of the fri-goon ice berg when it comes dealing with insane paparazzi and misguided, yet, determined stalkers.
hey, cattleworks, don't swear at our duct-tape, i'm sure you've got some crazy rituals yourself, maestro.
You know, I SHOULD, but like everything, they're all un-followed through ideas.
But SOMEDAY...
I'll wear that wrestling mask in the bedroom..!
you know, as a for instance...
hey, THERE'S something to think about Mr. Former Student, hee hee hee...
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